Fixx Extreme Ultra Shot

To you, I bid farewell.

It’s been an experience to say the least. I know we haven’t known each other all too long, it must be hard for you. But sincerely speaking, you have to have seen Fixx Ultra Shot coming sooner or later.

It is here to obliterate our relationship and pound every memory of it out of existence. It is here to defy the basic laws of physics and eliminate you without repercussion.

To you, normal life, I bid farewell. For during the next 5 hours you will be violently shoved aside for another life entirely different.

Taste

Imagine the taste of a half-drank cappuccino that’s been maturing outside in the sun for a week, the smell of tacos being cooked in a tepee made our of deer skin, the tingle in your spine as a fork is ran swiftly across a blackboard side to side, and the sounds of smooth jazz as played by a hairy man with bagpipes and Minnie Driver for backup vocals. Take all of this, and do your best to meld it into one single sensory experience that is unique from those components, yet representative of the repulsiveness of each.

With every little squeeze of this pouch to force the liquid into my poor innocent mouth, I had to pause for a session of *bend over, put cautionary hand over mouth, and gag while shaking uncontrollably.*

Realistically, this experience was nowhere near as bad as it should have been, and as much as it may confuse you I must congratulate Fixx. JUST LOOK AT THE INGREDIENTS, and consider their placement in FIVE ML OF LIQUID. It’s a wonder that it doesn’t taste like something from under the kitchen sink.

Editor's note: Dusty hates the taste of coffee......

Ingredients

I’ve become pretty cocky over the years with my ability to handle the claimed “potent” drinks of the market. Few of them ever give me a challenge now. After reading the ingredients label, though, I was admittedly freaked out. 400mg caffeine. 400. 4-f’ing hundred. How about %DV of vitamin B12, the primary weapon in Chaser’s 5 hour drinks? Not 25%, not 250%, not even 2,500%. Let’s a try adding one more (and incredibly meaningful) zero for an OMFG 25,000% DV of B12 content.

Energy

Remember those “this is your brain on drugs” commercials where an egg represents your sober brain and a scrambled egg represents your brain on drugs? Well with Fixx, my egg did not get scrambled. It hatched into a flock of fire-breathing dinosaurs that wanted nothing more than to stomp all over town and crush buildings under foot. This energy came on HARD within 10 minutes and did not fade for at least 4 hours. After 4 hours, it faded off to a normal buzz over the course of a few more hours. This experience is truly unlike any other.

Verdict

This is the real deal, my friends. This is without a doubt the most powerful energy product in the world and quite honestly, sincere caution needs to be exercised with it. This can get some people into big trouble if they’re not careful.

*Dear President Obama: Please locate the best tangible metaphor for the “heart” of the economy, and inject it with Fixx Ultra Shot.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith

Fixx has been Discontinued.