Drink Neuro: Functional Beverage Review
Step right up! Come one, come all, to witness the fantastical future of functional beverages.
On display we have Neuro Drinks, and they’re here to blast apart your tiring expectations. Here are the stars of this main attraction:
- NeuroBliss (mood enhancement)
- NeuroSport (fitness enhancement) (discontinued)
- NeuroSonic (mental performance)
- NeuroSleep (sleep enhancement)
- NeuroTrim (weight loss support)
- NeuroGasm (changed to NeuroPassion 2012) (“body” performance – we added the quotes)
They may feature the same surnames, but make no mistake they are completely unique of each other.
New Additions to the Neuro Family
Neuro has added a few more formulations to their line-up, but we haven’t had a chance to review them yet. We still wanted to mention them here along with their basic intended function.
- NeuroSupreme- This one is stealth as their website says that some things are “best kept secret”… hmmm. Nothing about its flavor or function. What a gamble… (discontinued)
- NeuroAqua- Spring water and minerals designed to help alkalize the body’s pH. (discontinued)
- NeuroSun- All the vitamin D (1000IU) from sunlight but without the UV skin damage. (discontinued)
- NeuroDaily- Immune support. Added 2013
If you have tried any of these new Neuro Drinks, let us know what they’re like in the comments below.
Flawless. Everyone one of them, utterly flawless. Beyond the tastes just being straight-up satisfying, they simply make sense according to what each drink is meant to do.
- NeuroBliss: Lightly carbonated grapefruit juice. Pretty dense flavor, but perked up by the carbonation. Tastes like happy!
- NeuroSport: Uncarbonated lemon-lime. Incredibly open and refreshing, exactly what you’d want while/after working out.
- NeuroSonic: Stronger carbonation, quite fruity to the point of being unidentifiable. Tastes like brain power.
- NeuroSleep: Soft and smooth mango, uncarbonated. Almost soothing.
- NeuroTrim: No carbonation, and a prominent yet fleeting taste of something that grows on a tree. Comes and goes without a need for commitment.
Ok fine I’ll list the major ingredients, I just don’t feel like it. This is the boring part of my job, and Neuro drinks have the most complicated ingredients collection there is. Try and keep up:
- NeuroBliss: Acetyl-L Carnitine, L-Phenylanaline, S-Hydroxytryptophan, L-Theanine, Eleutherococcus senticosus, Rhodiola rosea, and Gingko biloba
- NeuroSport: Calcium, Phosphorus, Magnesium, Zino, Slenium, Copper, Manganese, Chromum, Molybdenum, Chloride, Sodium, and Potassium.
- NeuroSonic: Taurine, Glucuronclactone, Acetyl-L Carnitine, L-Phenylalanine, Caffeine, L-Theanine, Alpha GPC, Inositol, Eluetherococcus senticocus, and reservatrol
- NeuroSleep: Magnesium Glycinate, L-Theanine, 5-Hydroxytryptophan, and Melatonin
- NeuroTrim: Pure Konjac Fiber
- NeuroDaily: Vitamins D, A, C, and E as well as selenium and zinc. (caffeine-free)
Prepare for shock and awe.
- NeuroBliss: Much to my veracious enjoyment, NeuroBliss shoves you into an impenetrable euphoria for about three blissful hours. Forget companionship. No need for fulfilling a religion. Surpass wellbeing. If happiness is what you seek, it’s anxiously waiting for you in a bottle. And this bottle of happiness won’t leave you with a hangover. I’m very serious here, this drink works!
- NeuroSport: So this one is supposed to enhance your workout. I drank one before a run, and another during a racquetball tournament. It tasted and refreshed my body better than standard, boring old water. That’s about it.
- NeuroSonic: If I didn’t read the label or consider the company (who insists on not being compared with energy drinks), I’d say that NeuroSonic is best categorized as an extremely potent energy drink. Sorry Neuro, but after drinking this one I’m afraid it’s an energy drink. It may not be on paper, but NeuroSonic tweaked the bajeezus out of me! It’s been a while since I’ve had my reality accelerated so rapidly.
Truthfully speaking, NeuroSonic goes almost too far. It’s supposed to enhance focus, but it was all I could do to keep enough focus to even finish the game on the back of my Lucky Charms cereal box. I was in an insatiable search for something to sink my intellectual teeth into.
- NeuroSleep: The first thing I considered when I handled this drink was how inappropriate it was in the most basic sense. How are you supposed to have a great full night’s rest after drinking 14 ounces of liquid? I knew nature would be calling me to say, “what’s up” in a couple hours, but I drank one anyways.
I laid in bed, restless, for about an hour. Then within 5 minutes, I felt nauseous, ran to the bathroom, and vomited. After that I felt great and ready for bed. Was it something I said? The entire next day, I was dead tired. This drink gave me so much trouble I’m not willing to try a second bottle to see if the first was a fluke (which, to Neuro’s credit, it could have been).
- Neurotrim: I drank these just for their pleasing taste. I didn’t notice suppression in my appetite, and certainly not a loss of weight (I was only sent two bottles).
By now you’re asking your dirty little self, what about NeuroGasm, huh Dusty? Huh huh huh?! I have friends and family reading my posts to this site, so simmer down, I’m not going to review it. I actually had a friend sincerely ask me whether it succeeds at giving you an orgasm upon drinking it. Now if that’s not the Holy Grail for functional beverages and the defining point of the downfall of mankind, I don’t know what is.
Anyways, to wrap this up, I’m incredibly impressed by these Neuro beverages. Even if some of them might not work as hoped, good God the innovation factor for this company is in a whole league of its own. They may not exactly be energy drinks, but are undoubtedly in the same family tree. That being said, I can’t wait to see what drinks like these to do the future of our beloved addiction.
If you read this all in one sitting, you might want to call your friends and family and tell them you’re ok. They’re probably worried about you being out of touch for so long.
Reviewed by Dusty Smith