Amazon Energy Drink Review

amazon-energyThe other night, I woke up in horror.

Sweat dripping down my forehead, my feet and hands aching as if I had been clenching them hard for the past half hour, disoriented.

I asked myself, “What if… oh dear no, what if that energy drink I so irresponsibly drank earlier today was treated with pesticides? What if the animals it was derived from were not allowed to roam freely the American way? What if the ingredients were not wholesome and natural? Why didn’t I take the way of a responsible consumer and get an organic energy drink like Amazon Energy instead?” And then I remembered: it’s a flippin energy drink.

If you’re truly a junky for nature’s take on energy, the energy drink section is the last place you should be looking. Energy drinks (including this one) deliver on a promise of the most unnatural kind – to violently yank multitudes of ingredients from their original source for one devoted purpose, artificially cram them all into one container, and trick the consumer into thinking everything’s ok by conveniently sidestepping any mention of why the ingredients are there in the first place.

Taste

If I were to pick one absolutely, utterly, eternally truthful state of affairs in the energy drink world it would be this: there is no such thing as a good tasting organic energy drink. Every time I drink one of them, it’s like unleashing a pack of cougars onto my face. The smell is offensively repulsive and the taste does not deviate from the initially sad state of affairs. Specifically, Amazon Energy tastes like watered down non-alcoholic beer with an aftertaste that cannot be labeled, but only categorized as awful.

Ingredients

The usual stuff, but organic: oooo shiny! Besides having all organic ingredients (including 120mg 80mg of ‘natural’ caffeine), this drink’s biggest marketing push is its inclusion of Acai Berry, the Kanye West of the fruit world.

Energy

I feel like I’m insulting you with every word I type here for you to read. This aspect of the drink is so lacking that it does not deserve the time you are taking out your life to read about it right now.

Verdict

Seriously, do I need to say more? This drink takes normal energy drink ingredients and eases your delicate peace of mind by letting you know they’re all obtained naturally. Again, we’re talking about a product niche that in its very foundation violates the organic movement. Now, this may come as a shocker to you: I am not impressed by this drink.

And yes, I’m sure I offended somebody. To that guy or girl, I apologize in advance for my ignorance to all that is green in the world.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith

Drinks are reviewed by an independent drink reviewer and do not necessarily reflect the views or beliefs of this site.

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  • Bob

    Your trying just a bit too hard Dusty. Every review does not have to be funny. I also hate dirty smelly hippy whole food types but Amazon is not a bad product and it does provide a boost on par with your average energy drink. It’s not for everyone but it does have it’s place.

  • Dusty

    Bob, this is the style of writing I enjoy and relate to most. It is not me trying to impress, and it is certainly not me trying too hard. If you want a straight review, they’re everywhere else on the internet. Take your pick and enjoy.

    Thanks for your added opinion on the drink, what did you think of the taste?

  • Gilly

    You have to get into a rhythm when you’re writing, and I think sarcasm is Dusty’s. Because I concur… When I’m tired and relaxed enough, social constraints lose their grip and my creative ‘juices’ flow. I see Bob’s reasoning, but I think Dusty’s reviews are natural to his style, not artificial. Correct me if I’m wrong though.

  • Evan

    “If you want a straight review, they’re everywhere else on the internet.” If he can write funny reviews why shouldn’t he do it.

    I agree that organic energy drinks are contradictory, but I love the taste and kick of Guru.

  • doody

    so is Rockstar Juiced: Guava still at the top of your list, Dusty?

  • Dusty

    doody, yep! It’s in my forever-oscillating top three

  • Bill

    The can I’m looking at says it has 80mg of caffeine per can, which would be 6 and 2/3 mg per ounce. Can you clarify this point? Thanks.

  • ted

    hey bill, To clarify its 80mg per can. There are 1.5 servings in a can which is what threw us off, which would have been 120mg if it was 80mg per serve.

  • Mike

    Dusty- although I disagree with your analysis of this energy drink, I enjoyed reading your classic review, keep up the good work! I’m gonna go try a Rockstar Juiced: Guava!

Last Modified: August 25, 2014