Alien Energy Jerky

Riddle me this. Name me something that’s brown, excessively chewy, laced with an addicting chemical, and enjoyable at sporting events like baseball.

Think you got it? Chewing tobacco, right? Noooo! I tricked you! Or, in the words of Splinter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, “I made a funny"! I’m talking about Alien Energy Jerky and yes, I did just make a retro TMNT reference. Roll with me kiddies.

Taste

I tricked you again! That addicting chemical I spoke of is not entirely what you’re now thinking it is (caffeine, right?). Whatever goes into making the flavor of Alien Energy Jerky is the truly addictive property of this snack! I do not need to explain how the purported tastes really come off. With this snack, the flavor you read is exactly what you get. Each flavor is astonishingly spot-on and incredibly tasty. This is, without a doubt, the best tasting jerky I’ve ever had! OK fine, the flavoring is not an addicting chemical. I didn’t trick you after all. The segue into this section stays, though. Roll with me kiddies.

Flavors: Sweet & Spicy, Hot, Honey Teriyaki (awesome), Peppered

Ingredients

110mg of caffeine and 102mg of guarana. Full daily values of vitamins B6 and B12 will shake hands with your digestive system as well. Oh, there’s also a nice little white packet floating amongst the beef that says “DO NOT EAT.” Rules are made to be broken.

Energy

I want to be positive here, I really do. With every package that I tore into with giddy anticipation of a great snack to come, I was yearning to feel some tiggly wiggly in my brain. It simply never happened.

Verdict

Did you just scroll to this headline lazily looking for a summary of the above paragraphs? Stop it, eat your vegetables first then you can get your meat. I assure you, the meat is entirely worth it, too. This jerky is just scrumptious, to use an entirely inappropriate word. I do believe that part of how they pulled it off is not trying to cram in enough energy ingredients to please everybody. If you love jerky, jeeze just buy this stuff. You may even get lucky and get some tiggly wiggly on the side.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith